Alright y’all. I am touching on a topic that I have rarely ever talked about…like ever. RELATIONSHIPS! More specifically, intimate relationships. I was inspired by the always beautiful Victoria Sanders of Vic Styles to share this piece of my life because it may just resonate with some of you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE…DUH DUH DUHHHHH!
Ok, now that the elephant is officially out the room, let’s get to the nitty gritty. To be honest, I used to be embarrassed of this fact. Almost 26 and never officially called someone “boyfriend”. I thought I was the odd ball out. The odd cookie. The loner. But the more I talked with some women, the more I realized I wasn’t alone.
Not too long ago, I desperately wanted to be in a relationship. I say desperate because I knowingly allowed someone into my life that I knew wasn’t CRAP (I wanted to say the other word, but I’ll keep it clean). All the signs, and my gut feeling, pointed to “This dude is bad news”. But nah, I was so caught up in the potential of finally having a boyfriend that I literally ignored every red flag there was, until it all came crashing down and I was left there looking like a fool. I believe this person is married now, ha! I was so heartbroken and distraught that I made a pact with God that I would not get involved with ANYONE that my gut immediately said “no” to. That was 2 and half years ago. And to be honest, I’ve been at my happiest (given the circumstances).
No, I’m not sitting here waiting on the perfect guy. Because he doesn’t exist. At this point in my life, I am not looking for love or a relationship. I’m not waiting on that person. Why? Because I am not there yet. Right now, I am focused on healing and growing. My focus is on laying the foundation for all these ideas I have and executing them. My only concern right now is how those decisions affect my sister and I, and that’s it. Bringing a guy into the equation would honestly make things murky. Here’s why I say that.
Looking back, I desperately wish I could tell myself to CHILL. But, those experiences have opened my eyes to what I want in a relationship. It’s also opened my eyes to making sure that I don’t lose myself in one either. No man is worth the headache, and all around stress. And I refuse to allow that to happen again. So, if it’s in my destiny to be with someone, then, I’m going to be doing my thang until it happens. But I’m not looking forward to it. As in I’m not sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting for Prince Charming to show up and sweep me away (also, we need to talk about how problematic these “perfect social media relationships” are, setting unrealistic #relationshipgoals, when behind the scenes, things clearly aren’t perfect).
For all my girls out there waiting on the one, I would say stop waiting. Stop focusing all your energy on doing every thing in your power to find Mr. Right. Marriage isn’t a fix-it kit that will magically make your life 10x better. Neither is it the solution to your problems. Sure, a seminar could be good to attend once, but girl, don’t attend one every week. There’s no need to read every guide on finding and keeping a guy, or every book (usually written by a misogynistic male) on what you’re doing wrong in a relationship (as if men have zero faults).
Seriously, DO YOU. Unapologetically. That’s what I’ve been doing, and it’s been one of the best decisions I could have made for my life.
All Photography by Kristen Ashley
Until next time…