My Grief Journey

It’s been 9 months since my mom passed…9 whole months. It’s kind of crazy to think it’s even been that long. I wish that time will slow down for just a minute so I can catch my breath. But, time waits for no one, not even the grieving. This post is sharing my thoughts on my grief journey so far. It’s a bit raw. Maybe even more raw than usual. But it’s something that has been on my heart to share. 

After everything transpired, I got a lot of questions like,

“How are you still doing this?”

“This” referred a lot of things, including blogging, working, and living life. And to be honest, I don’t know how. My spirit/soul believe it is the grace and power of God that has gotten me through. My flesh (aka, the growing skeptic) isn’t so optimistic. Most days, staying curled up in bed sounds like a wonderful plan. But then, responsibility sets in. I cry myself to sleep some nights. I get this brooding anxiety whenever it feels like something isn’t going right. While I do still have faith that everything “will work out for my good”, sometimes this irrational fear (because faith and fear are like oil and water) comes swooping over that the opposite is true. It’s a weird position to be in.

For the first 6 months, I refused to speak with God. Prayer?? For what? So he can deny them? No thank you! In my mind, it made sense to just live life and hope for the best. I did not reject God, but I sure was giving him the ultimate side-eye. I’ve started getting back into the swing of things; as in, building up my relationship with God. I try to read my devotional every morning when I wake up. I try to say a prayer. I’m getting back into going to church (although, that’s still taking some time). Sometimes the words come to me. Most of the time, they don’t. So I don’t force it. I ask God to just cover me and my sister with protections as we make our way through the day.

Dealing with so much pressure from these different areas in my life is something that I didn’t sign up for. I had a plan (funny how God has a way of just removing all our manmade plans). Majority of the time, I feel like I’m the only one who understands what I’m going through. At the same time, I want to make sure that I am not being selfish and only focusing on myself. Let me just say, it’s hard. At times, I feel that people are expecting me to come out of this state and go back to the old Seyi. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen. Sure, bits and pieces of my old self are still very much apparent but can they be fully revived? Right now, I would say that I am ok in spite of everything that has happened. And ok is a relative term. I use ok in the sense that I am breathing, I have woken up everyday. I am living.

What I will say is this, grieving may very well be a life-long journey. Everyday is a fresh start that presents its own set of challenges and emotional rollercoasters to handle. I try and focus only on the day I’m in. I am still a believer in Christ. I still believe in the promises of God. But, I am also human. Pain is difficult to bear. Heartache even more. So, here’s to growing, learning, repairing, consoling, and overall, just being.

Until next time…

6 COMMENTS

  1. Jenissa Sullivan | 22nd Jun 17

    Thank you for sharing this honest account of your grieving process. May you feel uplifted and protected!

  2. mee | 12th Apr 17

    sorry about your loss. sure God will walk the rest of the journey with you. Thanks for shaing your walk with us.
    …but if someone wont stop grieving like forever should i still leave the person.

    like a young childless widow looses her loving husband and she wont stop grieving years after, and she looses her job, her looks, her lifeliness almost everything. should i still leave her to grieve as she wishes?

    • infashionitrust | 13th Apr 17

      Hi mee! Thanks so much for reading the post. As a friend, I do think that you can help her slowly ease back into doing things she used to do. It’s going to take a lot of patience for sure. And honestly, it’s probably going to be frustrating for you but it’s best to let her go through the process at her own pace. Rushing it may push her off or even make her think that she’s ready for something that she isn’t. Even if it’s from a distance, allow her to mourn.

  3. mzjolaade | 23rd Mar 17

    Sorry about d loss, U’re a strong woman for being able to talk about this, i admire it. Talk to God about things you feel sure helps a long way, won’t be easy considering what u had to go thru but it’s all gud @ d end. Tnx for sharing dis really. I tot i was d only one dat cries when things aren’t going as planned, gud to know m not d only one

  4. ontheevestyleEve | 23rd Mar 17

    I completely feel you. “This” things make it bearable to keep living and breathing without my rock, my father. Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest about grief and losing a parent. Sending you huge hugs and prayers today and every day love! keeping hanging in there, even if all you can do is hang by a thread! :) Eve

  5. Joy | 23rd Mar 17

    Thanks for being so open and sharing your process, Seyi. Covering you in love and prayers throughout xo.
    – Joy

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