It’s been 9 months since my mom passed…9 whole months. It’s kind of crazy to think it’s even been that long. I wish that time will slow down for just a minute so I can catch my breath. But, time waits for no one, not even the grieving. This post is sharing my thoughts on my grief journey so far. It’s a bit raw. Maybe even more raw than usual. But it’s something that has been on my heart to share.
After everything transpired, I got a lot of questions like,
“How are you still doing this?”
“This” referred a lot of things, including blogging, working, and living life. And to be honest, I don’t know how. My spirit/soul believe it is the grace and power of God that has gotten me through. My flesh (aka, the growing skeptic) isn’t so optimistic. Most days, staying curled up in bed sounds like a wonderful plan. But then, responsibility sets in. I cry myself to sleep some nights. I get this brooding anxiety whenever it feels like something isn’t going right. While I do still have faith that everything “will work out for my good”, sometimes this irrational fear (because faith and fear are like oil and water) comes swooping over that the opposite is true. It’s a weird position to be in.
For the first 6 months, I refused to speak with God. Prayer?? For what? So he can deny them? No thank you! In my mind, it made sense to just live life and hope for the best. I did not reject God, but I sure was giving him the ultimate side-eye. I’ve started getting back into the swing of things; as in, building up my relationship with God. I try to read my devotional every morning when I wake up. I try to say a prayer. I’m getting back into going to church (although, that’s still taking some time). Sometimes the words come to me. Most of the time, they don’t. So I don’t force it. I ask God to just cover me and my sister with protections as we make our way through the day.
Dealing with so much pressure from these different areas in my life is something that I didn’t sign up for. I had a plan (funny how God has a way of just removing all our manmade plans). Majority of the time, I feel like I’m the only one who understands what I’m going through. At the same time, I want to make sure that I am not being selfish and only focusing on myself. Let me just say, it’s hard. At times, I feel that people are expecting me to come out of this state and go back to the old Seyi. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen. Sure, bits and pieces of my old self are still very much apparent but can they be fully revived? Right now, I would say that I am ok in spite of everything that has happened. And ok is a relative term. I use ok in the sense that I am breathing, I have woken up everyday. I am living.
What I will say is this, grieving may very well be a life-long journey. Everyday is a fresh start that presents its own set of challenges and emotional rollercoasters to handle. I try and focus only on the day I’m in. I am still a believer in Christ. I still believe in the promises of God. But, I am also human. Pain is difficult to bear. Heartache even more. So, here’s to growing, learning, repairing, consoling, and overall, just being.
Until next time…